13 Expert Tips On How To Argue Without Ruining Your Relationship


Increase your relationship IQ.

Sit on a comfy couch before having a big conversation — it seriously works.

Sit on a comfy couch before having a big conversation — it seriously works.

A study published in 2010 by professors at MIT, Harvard, and Yale showed that when people sat on a “hard wooden chair,” they were more rigid and inflexible when it came to decision making. But when they sat in a “soft cushioned chair,” they were more accommodating. Though the study was small (it consisted of 86 people), this trick could be a helpful tool in any big partner negotiations.

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Hold hands before a big talk.

Hold hands before a big talk.

“Physical touch releases oxytocin — a pleasure hormone — in the brain,” couples therapist Lori Gottlieb tells BuzzFeed Health. “You’d be amazed to see how hard it is to raise your voice at someone who’s holding your hand.”

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Start conversations with “I” instead of “you.”

Start conversations with “I” instead of “you.”

“Saying ‘you’ starts the conversation off as an accusation,” New York-based individual and couples therapist Irina Firstein tells BuzzFeed Health. “Always begin an important conversation with something like, ‘I have something that I wanted to share with you,’ to keep the other person from feeling defensive.”

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When you really just want to talk out your ideas on a topic, let them know that.

When you really just want to talk out your ideas on a topic, let them know that.

This can be especially helpful in extrovert-introvert pairs, where one person is typically more careful of what they say, while the other verbalizes every single thing on their mind. “When extroverts start thinking out loud, some introverts admit that their heads start to spin,” introvert expert and Quiet Influence author Jennifer Kahnweiler, PhD, tells BuzzFeed Health. So if you're really just ready to ramble, let your partner know that there's a think-fest coming up so they don't take every little thing at face value.

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