17 Poop Emergencies That Will Make You Laugh And Cringe


Health

“Relieving oneself on the trail was strictly illegal, so I
spent the first full day pooping my shorts.”

Posted on May 08, 2017, 18:32 GMT

We
asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to
tell us their grossest, funniest vacation poop stories. Here
are some of our favorites.

1. The beach bum poop:

“Two years ago I went to Hawaii for the first time with my
now fiancé. On our first day there, I caught traveler’s
diarrhea. So every item I ate, I pooped out shortly after.
Not thinking it was a big deal, but already having an
unpleasant experience, we went into the ocean. I felt a
rumble in my tummy but ignored it, figuring it was just gas.
A wave came and knocked us both over, rolling me around a
little. I was still on the sand but slightly submerged, and
as I was rolling around trying to upright myself I crapped my
bathing suit.
I waddled back up to the beach trying to
hold remaining poop in. I told my significant other that I
crapped my pants and we rushed back to the room, where we
found the inside of my bathing suit covered in poop and
sand.”

—zhis616

2. The trashcan poop:

“My mom and I were in Kentucky for my older brother’s soccer
tournament. We were out during the day, and came back to the
room running down the halls because both of us had to poop so
bad. Being younger, I naturally got to the toilet first.
But my mom couldn’t hold it. So she came into the bathroom
with me, grabbed the trashcan, and proceeded to shit in the
trashcan while crying with laughter and telling me how much
of a bad daughter I was.
To this day, anytime she tries
to judge me, I just remind her of the time she shit in a
hotel bathroom trashcan.”

—allycoop

3. The just-married poop:

“My husband and I were heading out for our honeymoon; we were
talking and having a good time. I thought I had to fart,
but instead, a whole intestine’s worth of diarrhea came out.
I was wearing these thin leggings and it seeped out onto our
new car seats.
I tried sitting sideways so that I
wouldn’t get them messed up, but the poop started running
down my butt cheek. After driving for 10-15 minutes, with my
husband laughing and me being all squishy, we pulled into a
sketchy-looking car wash that had cameras up everywhere. I
got baby wipes and went to the backseat, butt in the air,
spreading my cheeks so that I could wipe, despite the
cameras. My husband, you ask, was outside with my leggings.
He had hung them up on the mat cleaners, spraying yellow poop
all over the place…I love him.”

—ashurhunter

4. The mountain-of-poop poop:

“We were in Nepal hiking the Himalayas and had to use squatty
potties — the same ones the villagers used. One particular
squatty was especially ripe, and by this point, our entire
group’s stomachs had all given up on life. Of course, no one
heeded the warnings not to throw toilet paper in the hole, so
we all did. By the time I was able to use it, the poop was
literally flowing over the top, so we were pooping on top of
poop in this horrific vicious cycle.
By this point, we
began to take all our toilet paper with us, filling this one,
lone plastic shopping bag. Let’s not even discuss the smell.”

—kfl17

5. The you-thought-you-were-safe
poop:

“On my first cruise I made it the entire time without getting
sea sick. On the last night, I was feeling pretty good and
wanted to loosen up for games and karaoke, so I had a few
drinks. I assume that’s what caused the events of the
following morning. I woke up at 6 a.m. and bolted to the
bathroom having to make a choice: What’s going in the toilet?
I had diarrhea AND I had to vomit.
I opted to sit on the
toilet as that seemed to be slightly more urgent. But midway
into the first round, it was time to vomit. The sink was just
within reach if I leaned, so I put the left corner of my
mouth on the ledge and let it go. It’s the sickest I’ve been
in my life. I sat there for 35 minutes, continuously
squirting poop and puking. Every convulsion of my stomach
sent more out both ends simultaneously.”

—Anonymous

6. The never-trust-a-fart poop:

“I went to Vegas with a buddy of mine with the intention of
doing a shit-ton of hiking. It was halfway through the trip
and we were about to head to our biggest hike, The Grand
Canyon. As we were walking through one of the casinos, my
stomach started to grumble and scream and do cartwheels.
So, I’m thinking I need to just fart and, well, a fart
ends up being much more — I shit my pants.
So, I run to
the bathroom while yelling at my friend, “shit, shit, shit,
shit,” and I just throw my boxers in the trashcan. I
free-ball it back to the hotel and get another pair of
boxers. Then, while we’re waiting on the bus, getting ready
to head out, I once again decided to trust a fart, and
tah-dahhh…. I ended up hiking the Grand Canyon free-ballin’
again. Lesson learned: Never trust a fart.”

—corypayton

7. The illegal poop:

“Three years ago, I went on a long-haul hiking trip to Nepal
with my brother and dad. We were in India just before we
travelled on to Kathmandu and it was my 20th birthday so, to
celebrate, I enjoyed a delicious margarita at a bar in Delhi.
Flash forward two days, and we are staying in Kathmandu to
meet the rest of our hiking group and get ready to set out
for the Annapurna Circuit. My stomach had been rumbling for
about 24 hours, but nothing of note had happened, so I was
feeling good and excited. The morning before we left, I was
bathroom-locked with unbelievable stomach pains, but the
toilet had nothing to show for it. Later that night, once we
had checked into our hotel, all hell broke loose. I was up
for hours vomiting and shitting my guts out. I had to throw
away three pairs of underwear because the shit kept on
flowing, even in my slumber.

As we had already paid for this trip and weren’t going to
turn around to get me medical attention, I hit the trail in a
makeshift toilet paper diaper — it was no match for the miles
I was hiking and quickly disintegrated. The best part:
relieving oneself in nature on the trail is STRICTLY illegal,
so I spent the first full day on the trail literally pooping
my shorts to avoid certain arrest for desecrating the sacred
trail.

—maggievoelzke

8. The roadside poop:

“It was a hot summer day, and we were stuck in stand-still
traffic on our way home from a trip. Our 6-week-old daughter
needed a diaper change, so we pulled off to the side of the
road. Her diaper was just wet, so I decided to try and change
her real quick in my lap. BIG MISTAKE. As soon as I took
off her diaper, she started pooping what looked like thick
mustard EVERYWHERE.
My husband was scrambling to pass me
wipes, and while I waited, I had no choice but to catch the
mustard poop with my bare hands! MY BARE HANDS PEOPLE. We
both were cleaned up eventually, but that feeling of warm
sticky poo between my fingers is one I wouldn’t wish on my
worst enemy.”

—juneburgs

9. The road trip emergency poop:

“My parents took a road trip with my grandparents, great
aunt, and great uncle. They were on the highway in standstill
traffic, no exit in sight, when my great aunt insisted that
she had to go to the bathroom and couldn’t hold it. She
ended up standing up in the van while my grandma held a
plastic bag up to her butt to have diarrhea in it.
The
whole time my parent’s had their heads hanging out the
window, and everyone in the van was gagging. When she finally
finished they tossed the bag out of the window and tried to
never speak of it again.”

—heatherl4208780e9

10. The six-mile-hike poop:

“For spring break my freshman year of college, my family and
I went on a trip to Paris to visit my sister, who was living
in France at the time. Day three of the trip’s itinerary
started with visiting the Opera Garnier and the Sacre Coure.
All the French cheese we had with every meal had been making
me particularly gassy, so after we walked out of the opera, I
thought the loud traffic and open air would be a good
opportunity to let it out. Long story short, it wasn’t only a
fart. I didn’t say anything, and figured the next event for
the day wouldn’t take long. Instead, my dad ended up
dragging us on a six-mile walk, uphill, all the way to Sacre
Cour. I walked six miles uphill to the highest point in Paris
with shit in my pants.

—emmyj4d30548d4

11. The Versace poop:

“On a trip to Israel, my friend noticed this little lady in
our group shivering. He wrapped his solid white Versace
trench coat around her. Later when we returned to the hotel,
she came up behind him and draped it back around his
shoulders, saying ‘thank you.’ He couldn’t see it but
everyone behind him could see where she had shit all the way
down the length of the coat. It looked like a mudslide.

—ceciliay

12. The pre-excursion poop:

“I was away for a month-long trip to Spain after high school.
We all gathered in a park to go horseback riding and I
suddenly had to GO. This was not going to wait until after
the ride…it was hardly going to wait until I had my pants
undone! I crawled deep into a patch of spindly trees and
went. It wasn’t a clean one, so I had to actually find random
pieces of garbage to use as toilet paper.

—julieb18

13. The silver lining poop:

“I went on a school trip to Peru with about 20 other people.
Everything was going fine the first couple of days, but after
eating chicken one night, it all went downhill. It was like a
chain reaction; once one person got diarrhea, another
followed. Only two out of the 21 people on the trip did not
get a case of explosive diarrhea — even the chaperones were
sick. This trip required many hours on a bus with one
small bathroom, which soon became a problem and people
started getting bags out in case they could not make it to
the bathroom.
We made multiple emergency stops along the
way, but no place had a bathroom big enough for 21 people.
Students even started carrying around their own toilet paper
because the rolls kept running out. Eventually a doctor
visited our hotel and gave us all medication to stop these
explosions. On the bright side, the medication made our pee
glow in the dark and it was pretty cool.”

—cait16

14. The midnight surprise poop:

“My girlfriend and I planned an epic Pacific Northwest
vacation that culminated at the Women’s World Cup Final in
Vancouver. After the US won, we ventured into the city to
celebrate and wound up at an authentic Japanese noodle house.
The food was amazing! Afterward, we went back to the Airbnb.
In the middle of the night, I woke up to the worst stench
ever. In a sleepy stupor, I rolled over to ask my girl,
‘Babe, did you shit the bed?’ Turns out, yes, she had.

Apparently she has an MSG food allergy. Worst part, we found
out two hours later so do I.”

—smalltownsmalltater

15. The just-couldn’t-wait poop:

“In the early 2000s, I went to Hawaii to help get my
grandmother prepared for her move back to the mainland. After
her departure I stayed behind for a few days to enjoy a
vacation and she encouraged me to eat/drink as much of the
items left in her refrigerator so they wouldn’t go to waste.
So I popped a bottle of sparkling cider before heading out to
dinner. I enjoyed the stroll to the restaurant, and had a
good meal. But as I was getting ready to settle my tab I felt
an urge in my bowels.

I was totally afraid of pooping in public so I quickly paid
my bill and left to begin the quick journey home. As I
walked, the urge got stronger and stronger. Remember the
scene in Up In Smoke when Cheech has to poo and keeps
repeating to himself, ‘Buttcheeks stay together…buttcheeks
stay together?’ That was me. Finally I was about 30 feet
from my grandma’s apartment, concentrating so hard on keeping
it in, when my body just couldn’t hold it anymore. I shat
myself.

The worst part? I was wearing a short skirt and thong
underwear so the liquid poo ran down my leg and onto the
concrete balcony/walkway in front of my grandmother’s and her
neighbor’s apartment doors and windows.”

—jennifern49169f1d8

16. The stand-and-deliver poop:

“Last summer I went to Milan with my family, and one night we
decided to have dinner somewhere near our hotel. We found a
Basque restaurant next to a Korean restaurant and the Basque
restaurant seemed to be closed. We had never had Korean food
before, so we went there, and had a VERY spicy veggie
omelette-type dish with some kimchi. That same night, as we
were about to go to sleep, I kinda started feeling sick.
The moment I stood up, I started vomiting and pooping all
over the hotel floor, and kept doing so for like five
minutes.
The staff changed our room and I couldn’t eat
for two days.”

—beatrizdelai

17. The coffee-fueled poop:

“My family was on a road trip from Texas to California to
visit some family we hadn’t seen in awhile. We decided we
would be crazy enough to do the 20-hour drive non-stop, so we
all took turns driving while everybody else slept. I got the
graveyard shift at 2 a.m., and I was getting really drowsy,
so I stopped at a gas station to get some coffee. It worked,
but I forgot that coffee is like the atomic bomb of laxatives
to my intestines and will literally flush me out like an
apocalyptic tsunami.

It was 7 a.m. when I started feeling my stomach growl, so I
pulled into a rest stop and ran into the restroom screaming
‘OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD’ at the top of my lungs — I didn’t
think I was going to make it. When I got to the toilet there
was a giant spider web and black crust growing on the toilets
so I squatted over it. I walked out of the stall relieved
that I had made it to the restroom and expelled the entire
contents of my stomach.

As I was washing my hands, my mom pointed out the giant
poop stain on my shorts, and that’s when I walked back to the
stall and realized that my ‘effective squatting’ had actually
failed. I’d missed most of the toilet, which meant it was all
over the toilet, the floor, and the toilet paper holder.

My mom helped me clean the mess all over my shorts and all
over that crusty rest stop. When my dad found out what
happened, he pulled out the camera and took a picture of me
right outside the rest stop to capture the moment.”

—rosecguamex

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