18 Hilariously Embarrassing Masturbation Horror Stories That’ll Leave You Cringing


A reminder that you should always make sure that your door is
locked.

Posted on May 07, 2017, 21:16 GMT

We asked members of the
BuzzFeed
Community to tell us their
most embarrassing, and yet hilarious, masturbation horror
stories. Here are some of their cringe-inducing
submissions:

1. When grandma walked in:

“I was maybe 15 or so, and spending a week visiting my
grandparents over summer break. I was in their office with my
laptop and was doing the deed butt naked due to the A/C being
broken that day. While in the heat of things my grandmother
busts through the door to tell me that dinner is ready. I
quickly tried to cover my junk/boner and nervously said I’d
be out in a minute, while she just stood there staring. I
guess she drew the conclusion that I was only naked because
of the heat and apologized that it was so hot in the house,
and that the repairman was going to be there shortly.

“To this day I’m still not sure if she kindly said that to
avoid the obvious awkwardness, or if she genuinely thought I
was so hot that I was actually just lounging around their
house naked. Either way, that dinner was very awkward, and I
learned that masturbation was best left for the bedroom and
during times when you were safe from interruptions.”
—ggk328

2. When this woman realized she
should’ve washed her hands:

“I learned the hard way that licking Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust
from your fingers does not clean them. Two hours and a bottle
of wine later my vagina was on fire, and I’m pretty sure my
vulva shudders to this day if Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are
present.” —amandas4d1002fba

3. When the Bluetooth connection was a
massive fail:

“I was masturbating to an online video and used the Bluetooth
to connect my wireless headphones. Afterwards I went down to
the living room and my parents had a blank look and said,
‘So, did you enjoy yourself?’ Turns out the Bluetooth
connected to the stereo system instead of my headphones!
Worst. Mistake. Ever.” —itsmemandyyy

4. When this mom did a thorough
cleaning:

“I’m from a super-conservative family, but I’m pretty much
the opposite. When I was 18, my mom decided to clean out my
closet while I was at school and found the vibrator I kept in
there. When I got home she didn’t mention the vibrator, but
gave me a lecture on how God hates masturbation and how to
‘fight Satan’s urge.’ And probably the worst part was that I
never saw that vibrator again. It was expensive!” —joybwithu

5. When this woman thought she was home
alone:

“I live with my grandparents, and every Friday they always
leave for the whole day. One Friday morning they had left and
I decided to take a shower and tickle the skittle. I was in
the shower with the vent on and my music blasting getting it
done. I was loud knowing that I was alone. After I was done,
I got out and went straight to my room. My grandparents’ room
is right next to mine so when I heard their TV on I was
shook! Turns out they never left that morning and heard
everything. They didn’t look at me in the eye for weeks. I am
still horrified.” —kourtneyb45deb9979

6. When the cat thought it was a
game:

“Some background: My parents play this game with our cats
where they move their feet under the bed and our cats chase
and play with them. Well, long story short, while I was doing
my business under the covers, my cat came into my room and
thought it was something to play with. It was not fun.”
—itsyourboykent

7. When this selfie got awkward:

“So, it was the morning after I had just discovered my clit.
It was super sore and I was trying to figure out if that was
normal or not. So, I took my camera — note that this was
before cameraphones — and I took my panties off and took a
photograph of, well, you know. The next thing I know is my
mother coming into the room, looking at a half-naked me
holding a camera and going, ‘Oh.'” —sighsngiggles

8. When the wrong type of lube was
used:

“I’m a straight guy, who, due to growing up in an openly
homophobic area, was always afraid of having stuff in my
butt. To try and shake of my childhood bullshit, I decided to
open Pandora’s box — see if there is anything fun in there.

“What I did not do was consider the type of lube I had on
hand, which caused a type of tingling sensation that I would
not recommend. It felt like the morning after having curry —
at the moment of peak spicy — for a few hours.” —conorc48035b020

9. When the entire school finds
out:

“I was 13, and it was my first year in an all-boys Catholic
boarding school. We all slept in big open dormitories, and
there was zero privacy — so I decided to go and give myself
some self-love in on of the toilet cubicles. I whipped out my
phone and went for it and, apparently, I wasn’t as discreet
as I thought I was since a fellow student decided to jump and
caught me with my hands full (see what I did there?). Within
a matter of hours the news spread amongst the entire boarding
house and, the following day, the school. To this day I hold
the title of ‘that guy who got caught having a wank in the
toilets.’ Looking back at it, I’m glad that it was another
student and not one of the brothers.” —baseline

10. When this father-in-law walked
in:

“It was a very beautiful morning and my wife and in-laws had
gone out to get breakfast. So, naturally, I was happy that I
had the house all to myself. I went into the bathroom to do
my thing. I’m watching porn on my phone with my headphones on
when, suddenly, I see the door swing open and in walks my
father-in-law right as I’m about to finish. I can tell you
breakfasts have never been the same.” —danielcruz1973

11. When this guy who forgot to
combat-lock the door:

“It was in 2003, right after we invaded Iraq. We convoyed
from Kuwait to Baghdad. After stoping at our base and setting
up, I was looking at our collection of dirty mags that had
been sent from home. After getting myself all worked up I
decided to handle some business. So, while in the back of our
track vehicle, I started going to town but forgot to
combat-lock the door. As I was about to finish the door swung
open and my battle buddy stands there for a while, until he
screamed after realizing what he saw. I didn’t get a
handshake for quite a while after that.” —allend49300ec7b

12. When this mom came home
early:

“So one day I decided to try something a little different. I
figured looking at some naughty stuff on a bigger screen
would make for a better experience. So, I used the internet
browser on the Wii in my living room to do just that, while
my parents were out of the house. I was going at it fully
naked, because why not? And then, suddenly, I heard footsteps
on the porch, which, mind you, is about 15 feet away from
where I was! My mom had come home quite a bit earlier than I
expected. So I panicked, running to the door, still in the
buff, trying to hold it closed, not even bothering to turn
off the Wii because there was no time. But of course that
failed. After a few moments of awkward silence, my mom told
me to just go put my clothes on and come back to talk to her
afterwards. It took me hours to get out of my room and face
her again.” —jaded4d3749abd

13. When this woman’s mother felt like
giving some words of comfort:

“My mother was living with me at the time. It was very early
in the morning, maybe 3 or 4 a.m. My mom was sleeping and I
was down the hall in my own bedroom. I was full-on
masturbating with a large, realistic dildo, just going to
town on myself. I was trying to be quiet, muffling my
oncoming orgasm into a pillow. Apparently my mother got up to
go get a drink of water, which she NEVER does. As she passed
my room, she heard the muffled noises, thought I was crying,
and walked into my room, without knocking. I stopped
immediately, but my mom came over and sat on the edge of my
bed and attempted to comfort me while I lay there, denied
what had been looking to be a very promising orgasm, WITH THE
DILDO STILL INSIDE OF ME!!! I tried and tried to convince her
that I had not been crying. But she wasn’t buying it and sat
there for half an hour giving me a motivational speech.”
—Gabrielle West, Facebook

14. When this teen had a Fast Times
at Ridgemont High
moment:

“I had been staying at a friend’s house for a few days when I
was about 13. His older sister, who I had a huge crush on,
walked in on me in the bathroom just as I was finishing
myself in the shower. She got a full view as I came and she
left the bathroom. I was so embarrassed that I called my
parents to come and get me pretending to be ill. I could
never look her in the face again, but, thankfully, she never
told anyone.” —layton99

15. When this woman forgot something in
the bathroom:

“I had moved back into my parents’ home after a semester of
college. One day, after taking a bath, I heard my 7-year-old
brother from the bathroom exclaim ‘Whoa, it’s pink! And it’s
squishy!’ I had to tell him that my Rabbit vibrator that I
had left behind was a back massager.” —persephone10000

16. When this guy’s search history led
to a whole other conversation:

“I look up gay porn on my phone and masturbate to it. One
day, my mom viewed my phone’s search history to look up at a
website she once visited, and instead saw every time I had
searched up gay porn. Maybe the worst way to come out of the
closet?” —tylerh4ea5c1d10

17. When sextiming goes wrong:

“My boyfriend of three and half years had just moved away,
and I had moved back in with my parents. We were trying to
keep our sex life “sexy” by FaceTiming occasionally, and one
time I was getting really into it, only to have my mom walk
in and scream. My dad then proceeded to check on what my mom
was screaming about. Safe to say I didn’t leave my room for a
day or two, and said boyfriend didn’t come back to visit for
a couple months.” —ellyses3

18. When this Grindr mishap
happened:

“I hit up my white fuckboy from Grindr and ended up agreeing
to stay the night with him since we had the place to
ourselves. We fooled around for a bit, but we end up passing
out. Fast-forward to the morning: I wake up alone, thinking
he went to work. I start jerking off and enjoying myself, not
insanely loud. Just as I’m about to come, I hear him walk by
the door and in my incredibly unsexy, groggy, surprised
voice, I mutter, ‘Oh fuck.’ After I do so, the door barges
open and a tall Asian guy with glasses (clearly not my
fuckbuddy) comes in swinging a golf club at me as I’m
sprawled on this bed with cum shooting from my dick. I’m
screaming, ‘OH MY GOD.’ Turns out the Asian guy was his
roommate who knew my fuckbuddy had gone to work, but didn’t
know I had stayed the night, and because our campus area had
a series of break-ins, he prepared himself thinking I was a
burglar.” —Gucio Marcin Jim Powęska, Facebook

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and
clarity.

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