Be the decadent, silk robe-wearing babe you wish to see in the
Posted on March 26, 2017, 14:31 GMT
1. Order everything you want from your
favorite delivery place, plus enough for leftovers
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In the “special instructions” box, make sure to write:
ONLY ONE PAIR OF SILVERWARE PLEASE THIS IS ALL FOR ME.
You will not be shaded by multiple sets of silverware on
2. Buy yourself a fancy-ass robe and
sit around drinking tea out of goblet like some decadent
3. Send yourself some flowers.
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ESPECIALLY if you have them delivered to you in a public
place where other people will witness and be like
damn. Alternatively, if you think sending yourself
flowers is a little too extra (IT’S NOT), you can also
bully a friend into doing a swap where you both send each
other flowers and everyone wins.
4. Go play Very Seriously with
adoptable pets all day.
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Make sure you play with all of the cats and dogs so you
can make an accurate assessment of which would be a
personality match for you.
5. Brag about something you’re proud of
on social media, because the world always needs a reminder of
how awesome you are.
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Toot your own horn. Post some fire selfies. #TBT to a
project that never got enough recognition. OWN YOUR
6. Go to the closest department store
and stock up on free samples of designer perfume or cologne
you can’t afford and enjoy smelling fancier than you’ll ever
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If you’re into finding scents that are allegedly good for
stress or mood-boosting or whatever you need, feel free
to do your #research.
7. Binge-watch an entire show you keep
saying you’re going to get around to.
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Y’know that one show that whenever people ask if you’ve
seen it, you’re always like, “OH YEAH, IT’S ON MY
LIST~”??? It’s time. You’ve earned it.
8. Get yourself a whole cake. LIKE, A
WHOLE CAKE, NOT JUST A SLICE.
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Bonus points if you customize the cake, preferably with
a giant picture of your face or at least
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EXISTENCE! written in very
delicious frosting. A fancy cupcake will also suffice.
9. Book someone to deep clean your
home, go out for a massage while it’s happening, and then
come back and enjoy pretending that you’re a relaxed human
who actually has their life together.
10. Grab a friend and come up with new
identities to test out at a bar, restaurant, IKEA, whatever
to get out of your own head for awhile.
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Complete with fake names and backstories. Bonus points if
you come up with an accent.
11. Go free-sampling at your grocery
store of choice and leave without buying anything.
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Feel free to go back for a second round with a half-assed
disguise if you don’t find yourself fully satiated.
12. Give yourself an intense makeover
and take so many over-the-top selfies that your camera roll
becomes a beautiful mosaic of your beautiful face.
13. Or finally commit to that dramatic
hair or clothes transformation so you can rise like a phoenix
from the ashes of your funk.
14. Spend an hour planning an elaborate
Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed / Via
We’re talking Taking A Year Off From Your
Responsibilities And Traversing The Globe However You
Please levels of elaborateness.
15. Get some new PJs, take a long
luxurious shower or bath, and then clear your day for the
most EXTRAVAGANT NAP OF ALL TIME.
@thefemalelife / Via Instagram: @thefemalelife
If shaving your legs or other bits increases your
skin-to-sheet enjoyment, DO THAT TOO.
16. Go on a candle-smelling adventure
and don’t stop until you find The Scent that you will
lavishly burn all weekend.
17. Spend a day at the movies catching
up on all those new releases and enjoy your cultural
relevance for weeks to come.
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You should definitely buy tickets for all of them and NOT
try to double-or-triple-or-quadruple-feature these
showings through sneaky, nefarious means. However, WE
CAN’T STOP YOU, YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON.
18. Curate the soundtrack of your life
and have it queued up for moments you need to pretend you’re
in a music video or movie montage.
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For example: if you want to ride around on a train, bus,
subway, whatever~, and stare dramatically out the window
while pretending to be a mysterious runaway on your way
to start a new life.
19. Have a nice long masturbation date
with yourself, maybe even with a BRAND NEW TOY.
@chakrubs / Via instagram.com
You probably have your groove and know how to get
yourself off quickly, but YOU DESERVE FOREPLAY. Light
some candles, try something new, get to know your body,
try to set a new personal record for most orgasms,
WHATEVER. HAVE FUN.
20. Book yourself a last-minute hotel
for the night with the help of Hotel Tonight or a similarly helpful
21. Write over-the-top thank you letters
to everyone whose existence you’re currently happy
CrimsonandCloverGift / Via etsy.com
Expressing gratitude offers a legit boost to your mental
health and mood. Also, who wouldn’t want to receive a
letter like that?
22. Come up with a personalized
stripping playlist, draw the shades, and practice the ART OF
23. Make a Very Legit blanket and pillow
fort, crawl in, and proceed to hermit in there until you feel
marginally better about the world that’s waiting for you
24. Look up your full astrological chart so you can blame
your quirks, habits, fuck-ups, and general ennui on the stars
and consequently feel better about your multi-dimensional
Go analyze the recesses of your heart and soul and
discover that you’re perfect the way you are, because THE
SKY DESTINED IT.
25. Don an incredibly wide-brimmed and
floppy hat and sunglasses to lounge around
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Occasionally pass some petty-but-ultimately-harmless
judgment before returning to pleasanter thoughts.
26. Pretend to furniture shop and spend
the day testing out squishy showroom couches and
27. Go outside and find stars and
constellations with the help of Sky Map or a similar app, and marvel at
how large the universe is.
28. Take a moment to reflect on how cool
13-year-old you would think you are now.
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Seriously, any bare level of competency or minor
accomplishment would seem SO FUCKING COOL to your tween
self and you know it. If you need help here, feel free to
write out all the things you dig about yourself or
accomplishments you’re proud of and then read the list AT
LEAST SEVEN TIMES.
29. Write out your official bio as you
hope it looks 5-10 years from now and revel in what a badass
you’re definitely going to be.
30. And when in doubt, sigh very, very
loudly so everyone can be attuned to your suffering and then
lavish you with attention.
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Preferably while stretched across a velvet couch or grand
piano, but anywhere with witnesses will do.
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